Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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