she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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