Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
