Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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