I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
