Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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