I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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