when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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