Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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