I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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