I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
