just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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