Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
