Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i think im in europe. pls send help
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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