My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
