the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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