Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
