The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
