my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
