There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Jerry, you need to find god
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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