I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
