I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
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I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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