I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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