so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
