the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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