the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
