My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
no, he came in my armpit
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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