Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
