If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
