hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
