I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
