I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
