I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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