She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
