so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
this just has baby written all over it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
