So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
