I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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