I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
