For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
