I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
