ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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