spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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