She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
