he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If I die, sorry about rent.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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