we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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