just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
