we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
