...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
