Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
