I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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