so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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