Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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