Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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