everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
