My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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