I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
