and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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