I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Text me some of your sweat
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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