"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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