Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
